Love's Changes Page 3

  Before Madison could return to work, his secret was already fodder for the in-house gossips.

  A week later while out on a call, Madison was separated from his partner and ended up beaten nearly to death. He’d called dispatch for backup, dispatch sounded the alarm, but strangely enough, help didn’t arrive until it was way too late.

  Bryan was the lead detective on that investigation. He remembered going to the hospital and looking at the pummeled flesh that looked more like ground meat than a human face. He remembered the red gashes coated in rusty dried blood that seemed to be over every inch of skin the man had.

  Those images and that case haunted Bryan still to this day. Hell, every time he walked into the precinct and saw Madison sitting at the front desk—because that was the only job Madison could do after the attack—Bryan was reminded of what his fate could be if he made the same mistake. Bryan’s fear compelled him to keep his personal life away from anyone that had any affiliation with his work.

  But Justice needs you to fix this…

  He felt fortified again, just the thought of his husband gave him enough strength to get out of the car and push through the doors.

  Bryan’s heart beat faster, but despite the extra adrenaline running through his system he was determined to give Justice what he needed. He made it as far as the front desk when Madison’s hollow blue eyes looked up and met with Bryan’s gaze.

  Empty, sad, beaten, and broken. That’s what Madison was.

  And that’s what you’ll be too if you let these people know shit about who you are.

  Bryan turned around on his heel before anyone could notice him and headed right back to his car. The minute he’d sworn he was taking to compose himself, turned into five. When he couldn’t get his heart rate under control, Bryan put the car in gear and headed toward his apartment. It wasn’t until the key was in his door, and he was pushing into the safety of his apartment that his senses dulled, his heart slowed down, and his fear subsided.

  “Maybe Justice is right; maybe I’m too much of a coward to deserve someone like him.”

  Justice gritted his teeth as he tried to balance the heavy barbell above his chest on shaky arms. Usually he bench pressed twice as much weight as he currently had in his hands right now. But with his mind and his heart out of sync and out of focus, it was hard for him to balance the weight.

  “Are you fucking crazy? You know better than to try to lift that much without somebody here to fucking spot you.”

  The boom of Law’s voice filled the room, making Justice’s arms shake a little more. Before Justice could argue, his oldest brother gripped the barbell and lifted it out of his hands and back onto its safety rack.

  “What’s wrong, Justice?”

  Justice shook his head as he sat up and wheezed out a quick, “Nothing.”

  Law crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back casually against the wall, his skepticism evident in the side eye he was giving Justice right now.

  “Bullshit, I was there when you were born and I know everything there is to know about your fucking ass. You’s a lie. What’s going on?”

  Law took a look around the open landscape of the gym in their father’s basement. “Where is Bryan? Isn’t he supposed to begin his training today?”

  Justice nodded, “Yeah. He’s coming by later…after I leave.”

  “Aren’t you training him?” When Justice shook his head, Law continued to question him. “Why not?”

  “Because I’m divorcing him.”

  “You say what, now?” The base in his brother’s voice making the baby brother in Justice tremble just slightly.

  Justice stepped away from his brother’s piercing gaze and walked over to get a drink from his water bottle. He kept his eyes focused on the bottle, kept his mind focused on the task at hand: open bottle, lift bottle, pour water, and swallow. He knew explaining this to his family was going to be just as hard as explaining it to Bryan. Hell he could barely understand it himself.

  They’d loved each other since they were children playing at being men in Uncle Sam’s Marine Corps. He never imagined a day they wouldn’t be together, or more importantly wouldn't want to be together. Things had changed these last five years. The most significant of those changes was the gaping wound in their foundation left by their daughter’s death.

  Justice loved Bryan. There was no doubt about that. But loving someone and being able to stand by and watch them destroy themselves day by day was something Justice wasn’t sure he could do anymore.

  Thinking back on it now, Justice could almost remember the exact moment the change happened.

  They were happy; happier than any couple had the right to be. They’d finally married, finally made honest men of one another after being together for so long. They stood before God and man and declared their love for one another. And then shortly afterward they decided to expand their family.

  Justice was one of four. His siblings were everything to him. The Amare family was tight. They didn’t let a lot of outsiders in, but when they did, they loved them as their own. From the moment Justice brought Bryan home, he was theirs. Justice had so many dreams of bringing forth the next generation of Amare children who would continue the legacy of loving and leaning on one another for life. To that, fate had another plan set in place.

  They were happy throughout their surrogate’s pregnancy, every event unfolding with almost textbook like precision. Until one day when everything went wrong. The surrogate hadn’t felt the baby move. They rushed her to the hospital, but it was too late. Their little girl was gone.

  They’d been there for the agonizing birth. The silent operating room heavy with sorrow, only the beeping sounds of the monitor filling the void. And when it was all over, the kind nurse swaddled the stillborn infant and placed her in Bryan’s arms.

  The official cause of death was a rare genetic mutation with some long complicated name that Justice to this day still couldn’t pronounce. Something that went undetected for the entire pregnancy had robbed them of the greatest joy of their lives.

  Justice knew there was nothing that could’ve saved their daughter. But somewhere in the back of Bryan’s mind he began to believe that he was the problem. After all, that’s what Bryan’s mother instilled in him. It was his sin—homosexuality—that killed their baby girl. Once that little piece of poison slipped past Bryan’s logical brain, it began to poison the whole of him, eating at him, filling him with so much guilt he could hardly stand to get out of bed in the morning. Somehow the guilt became so toxic and pervasive. Bryan began withdrawing himself from everyone he loved, including Justice.

  How do you fight that? How do you, the person on the outside, battle someone else’s internal demons?

  Justice didn’t have the answer then and he certainly didn’t have it now. But after watching Bryan nearly die in a hospital bed he knew that he couldn’t spend the next five, ten, or thirty years of his life watching Bryan’s guilt do what that bullet hadn’t, slowly kill him.

  “You can’t be serious?” Law’s voice pulled Justice out of his journey down a very dark memory.

  “I’m tired, Law.” Justice sat down on the floor, his surrender evident in a long sigh. “He’s never going to forgive himself. He’s always going to believe the crap his mother poured into his head. He’s always going to believe that our daughter’s death was a punishment from God because of who we love and how we love. How does an openly gay man believe some nonsense like that?”

  Law sat down next to Justice, lightly bumping his shoulder. A move meant to tell him his big brother was there for him. “Justice, he loves you. Bryan is not ashamed of you or the life you share. He’s also not had it as easy as you have. Bryan didn’t have a family that loved him enough to accept him as he was. It takes a long time to completely break free of something like that.

  “He’s finally in a place where he’s moving beyond that, breaking through his guilt and grief, and you want to leave him now? That’s not what family does, Justice
. You should know that, you had a better example of that than Bryan did. You don’t give up on family. You fight for them, until the last breath.”

  Uncomfortable tension moving throughout him, Justice rolled his shoulders and neck. That was his brother’s intention, to make him uncomfortable. But regardless of Law’s attempt at laying guilt at Justice’s feet, he knew the truth. Standing by Bryan, watching the man you love slowly kill himself, was something Justice could not do.

  Bryan felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. A smile bloomed on his face as he saw his oldest brother-in-law’s name flash across the screen.

  “’Sup, Law?”

  “Nothing much.” Law’s succinct answer was a typical reply from his brother-in-law. Not one for drawing things out, Law’s conversations were the epitome of short and sweet. “I heard you’re looking for a new trainer. Is that right?”

  Resignation filled him. Justice had revealed his plans to the family. Keeping anything from the Amare family was unlikely. They were extremely close knit and they kept in contact at a ridiculous rate considering they were usually all scattered throughout different parts of the world on some form of military mission or another. He should have known they’d be privy to his husband’s recent decision to end their marriage.

  “So I guess Justice told you he’s planning to divorce me?”

  “He did,” Law’s quick answer scraping against Bryan’s heart. “I’m just calling to find out if that’s what you want too.”

  Bryan stood there shaking his head for a moment before he realized he needed to verbally respond to Law’s inquiry. “No, I don’t. But after pushing Justice away for so many years, I don’t really know if I have the right to fight him on this decision.”

  “He loves you, Bryan. That is what’s most important. If you really want to keep your husband and your marriage intact, that’s the only thing you need to focus on. Now as I hear it, you need someone to train you and my bonehead brother has refused to do it.”

  “He did refuse me. As much as I love him, the training part is about more than him. I really do have to get right again if I’m going back on the force to be more than a desk jockey.” Bryan’s skin prickled at the thought of being locked behind his desk for the rest of his career.

  “All right.” Law’s answer seemed so simplistic considering the topic of their conversation. “I’m going to give you the perfect substitute, but I have to do one thing first.”

  “What’s that?” Bryan asked.

  “Call True.”

  Bryan shook his head. True was the youngest sibling and only sister in the Amare clan. As such, she ran the Amare family like a strict task master. Didn’t shit go down without her knowledge and approval.

  “No offense, Law, but you know your sister is crazy. Is she even on this side of the country right now?”

  “She’s in DC debriefing from her last mission. She’s laying over in New York for a few days on her way back home to L.A.”

  “Law, I say again, we both know your sister is crazy.”

  Law laughed a little bit. Bryan knew damn well the man shared the same assessment of the lone female child of the Amare family. She was brilliant, that was for sure, but she was extremely unpredictable. As volatile as Justice seemed to be at this moment, when it came to their relationship Bryan wasn’t sure he wanted to add his crazy ass sister-in-law into the mix.

  “It’s true, she is,” Law agreed as he continued laughing on the other end of the phone. “But we both know the one thing she does better than anyone else in this family is get results. And I’m kind of thinking since your husband is talking about divorcing you, you want results.”

  Bryan had to think this through. One false move and he could end up a single man again. Truth was, if there was anyone in this family that could get his man to see straight, it was True Amare.

  Bryan released a long, acquiescing breath. “I’m desperate, man. I guess I don’t really have much choice.” The truth of his situation pressing heavily on his heart. His life was fucked up, and if he didn’t do something drastic, it just might remain that way.

  “You’re family Bryan, and we always take care of family. We got you. We got both of you.”

  If there was one thing Bryan believed in it was the power of the Amare family. They took care of their own. And he was certain he was one of theirs.

  “Thanks man,” Bryan’s feeble reply masking the magnitude of his appreciation.

  “Meet me at Pops’ house first thing tomorrow morning,” Law stated. “We are going to show my little brother how much he really doesn’t want to leave his man.”

  Chapter 5

  Justice stood at the stove watching the bubbling casserole he just pulled from the oven. Baked macaroni and cheese was his favorite comfort food. He didn’t eat it often. Way too much cheese and pasta, but when he was feeling bad, it was the first thing his taste buds asked for.

  He was feeling bad. His husband was home alone in their apartment while Justice was roaming the halls of his father’s house by himself. His other siblings were either out of town or on the prowl. Either way the end result was Justice was staring at a dish full of cheesy goodness and trying to remind himself that eating it all would only lend him more time in the gym.

  “Fuck it.”

  He grabbed a large serving spoon and a plate, digging a massive hole in the center of the dish. He was just about to take the serving spoon and shove the large piece of cutlery into his mouth when he felt the presence of another in the kitchen. He looked up to find his sister, True, leaning against the doorway, arms and ankles crossed, eyebrow lifted, and most likely a smart ass comment waiting behind curved lips.

  “Go ahead. Be my guest,” she cooed. “Have all those damn carbs, all that fat. Just give me an excuse to run your ass through PT.” She was laughing at him, yeah. But he knew damn well she meant every single one of those words spilling out of her mouth.

  “What are you even doing here?” Waiting for his sister to strike was never the best technical move. Cutting her off at the knees before she had a chance to attack was the only way to grasp at any hope of avoiding her assaults. “Thought you’re supposed to be on mission somewhere?”

  “I was. It’s finished. I got a few days before my next patient is due in surgery in LA, so I decided to come spend a few days with Pops and any of my siblings that might be hanging around.”

  She walked into the middle of the kitchen, pulled open the silverware drawer, and removed a spoon. She dug the spoon into the center of his plate and hummed once she had a mouthful of his food. “That’s damn good, Justice. Now tell me, who you mad at?”

  Justice rolled his eyes as he turned for the refrigerator. He needed something cold to wash down all the grease he was about to inhale. That was the thing with the Amare children; they all had this uncanny connection, always knowing when something was right or wrong with the others.

  Knowing there was always someone to pull him out of a hole if he needed it, that had his back at all times, inspired a confidence in Justice that kept his emotions on an even keel. But having his family all up in his business right now, when his life was blowing up into little pieces, really wasn’t what he wanted or needed.

  He put his plate down on a nearby counter and opened the fridge.

  “Not mad at anybody, just hungry.”

  He grabbed a cold beer, popped it open, and took a long swig.

  Just great. A plate full of fatty carbs, and beer.

  This eating his feelings bullshit had to stop, either that or he was going to catch hell his next round of PT fitness tests.

  He stared at the beer bottle as he waited for his sister to say something. That’s what True did; she saw something, she said something. After a few moments of silence he turned in expectation. Still nothing, she simply nodded her head and said, “A’ight.”

  She walked past him and clapped him on the back as she made her way out of the kitchen. “I’ve had a rough couple of days, I’m going to bed. I’m supposed to be
meeting one of my occupational therapists in the morning to discuss giving him a ride back to LA.”

  “One of your employees came to New York without a way to get back home to LA?”

  “Nah, he’s a new hire. I’ve worked with him over the years through the Corps and now that he’s retiring, I gave him a job at Trinity. He was in DC tying up some loose ends to be processed out. He’ll be here first thing in the morning. When I leave he’s copping a ride back with me.”

  She made it halfway through the doorway before he turned around and said, “Want me to fix you a plate?”

  She shook her head, “No. You know once Pops finds out I’m here he’s gonna have me downstairs in that damn gym. Not trying to feel like hell on a stick while he’s making me drop and give him one hundred.”

  Uncertainty niggled at the base of his neck as he watched her walk away. Maybe his sister was finally learning to mind her own business? Probably not, but he was too tired to be bothered by it now.

  “I’m going to eat my food and drink my beer and that’s all,” he took another swig of his beer to validate his point. Tomorrow be damned, divorce be damned, he was just going to enjoy this moment right here. Tomorrow would handle itself.

  Chapter 6

  Bryan tapped on the acrylic pane on his Captain’s office door. She was currently slumped over reading something on her desk, looking like misery warmed over by death. He chuckled a little at the administrative papers he had in his hands that required her signature.

  She’ll be happy to see these added to the pile.

  “Come in,” her eyes never left whatever document she was reading as she waved him into the room.

  “I’ve been gone for months and you can’t even spare me a glance? Damn, show a brother some kind of love.”

  Heart kept her eyes on her desk, but he could see her full rounded cheeks rise in amusement.